CUTHBERT CUTTING IN?

Looks like Paris Hilton has a new BFF after dropping Britney Spears – or perhaps its because Britney ‘wigged-out’ or something? Anyway, the Hilton heiress has recently been seen out and about with none other than Elisha Cuthbert, star of TV’s ‘24’… although I imagine 24 hours with Paris to be much more taxing.



The spies around Hollywood (and I imagine them to be disguised as palm trees or small dogs in pink jerseys) report that the two blondes had lunch at trendy eatery frequented by celebrities called Toast (and I hope it doesn’t merely serve what its name says). From there, the duo skipped off to Petro Zilla where they spent an hour trying on clothes and left wearing their new purchases (how fashionable!). Luckily they weren’t all tuckered out and toddled off went across the street to Milk where they did some (shock!) more shopping and then headed to Elisha's car and headed home.


Oh, the life of a celebrity, you’ll never know what they’ll do next!

The Paris Phenomenon – Part 1

She truly is a wonder of the post-modern world. Paris Hilton’s fame is a monument to the collective canon of today’s consumer, idolizing, figure exulting public and shows no signs of slowing down. But why? How come the world is fascinated with a rich heiress with no apparent talent except weekly faux pas and ability to make internet fanboys salivate about what’s under her dress?

Believe it or not, we are actually rewarding stupidity and making a the rich richer for it. Paris Hilton is nothing but a marketing tool and she is well aware of it, making her name a brand that seems to guarantee success. Attach it to a single and radios play it and teenagers inevitably buy it (even though it is pedestrian and another lost voice in the already saturated female vocal genre). Link the name Paris Hilton to a TV show and it’s an instant hit. Why? Beats me, since all I can see is 45 minutes of highlighting Paris’ already infamous ignorance on anything outside the shiney pink bubble of her life.

Want her on your talk show? It’ll cost you £250,000, as the comely Charlotte Church found out when she invited Paris to appear on her British talk show. Luckily she had the common sense to say sod off. As you can see Paris Hilton ensures money like a hammer to a porcelain piggy bank and I don’t think anyone really knows why… Perhaps she knows voodoo and has cast a spell on the world. Oh wait… she has.

To be continued…

FROM THE BOOK OF PARIS

We heard Paris Hilton is soon becoming a councilor on The Simple Life. With all her years of experience and insight on life, it’s a no-brainer. Have a look at all the wisdom she’s displayed over the past years…

Who? Oh yeah... he's like your president? I don't know what he looks like.
Paris Hilton (when asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair)

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?
Paris Hilton

When I was a kid I had no idea I lived in a mansion. Then I went to a friend's house and I was like - "Oh.".
Paris Hilton

A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.
Paris Hilton

I don't really think, I just walk.
Paris Hilton

Kabbalah helps you confront your fears. If a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her.
Paris Hilton

What's a soup kitchen?
Paris Hilton

There you have it… pearls.

GOT A LIGHT PARIS?

What do Paris Hilton and a watermelon have in common? They both can’t drive. Yes, the princess of poor reality TV, Paris Hilton was once again yanked off the road by the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department. And although we hear a collective rolling of eyes, it wasn’t booze or drug related. Paris simply forgot to turn on her headlights and the front of her car now matched the lighting effect inside her head. To make matters worse police discovered Paris was driving on a suspended license – naughty, naughty.

A befuddled Paris couldn’t understand why she was pulled over and just wanted to get home to watch the DVDs she had just purchased from the Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood. Sadly the innocent stupidity of the oldest Hilton sister was not working despite explaining she forgot to switch on the lights because the parking lot at the Megastore was brightly lit – yeah whatever. The result: Paris’ car was impounded and a thoughtful chum had to come pick her up. Were the DVDs ever watched? We can only hope for their sake they were.

PARIS GOES CAMP

PARIS GOES CAMP

Former Paris Hilton BFF (or are they pals again… we forget) and Simple Life cohort Nicole Richie was hospitalized recently for dehydration.

Ironically it was on the set of the Simple Life where she and Paris Hilton were working as camp counselors. Camp Councilors? You read right, these two vapid airheads are going to be impregnating the youth with their unique brand of morals.

No Underpants 101? DUI Workshop? The Fundamentals of Weight Loss? Who’s going to take them seriously? It’ll end in this poor camp teaming with oversexed teenagers in dire need of some “counseling”.

Then again, if you’re watching the show, maybe you need some too.

SWEATHOGS - 12 RULES FOR GYM ETIQUETTE

SWEATHOGS - 12 RULES FOR GYM ETIQUETTE

A little flabby after xmas? Feel you need to get into shape? Well the gym is a good start, but like the old USSR, it has some strict, unwritten rules that you should adhere to – or you might wake up in a frozen potato field missing your spine.

1. If you’re going to spot someone doing chest presses, make sure you wear underwear AND that they are clean.
2. Make sure the gym towel you use to wipe the machines is not the same towel you dry your nuts with after a shower.
3. If you’re going to stare at someone’s ass, make sure they have a face to match.
4. Lycra shorts or a speedo will only be tolerated if you’re European or training for the olympics.
5. Don’t work out with your girlfriend – and please don’t wear matching track suits!
6. Don’t wear jeans – what is this, a Bon Jovi concert?
7. Don’t wear ‘pollyshorts’… regardless of what you’ve convinced yourself, they look crap and your boys will pop out at some point.
8. The bathrooms are not some sort of nudist nightclub – dancing or prancing will not be tolerated.
9. Never let your balls touch anything – the sink, the bench, another gym patron… nothing!
10. If you drop your soap in the shower…bend at the knees, not at the waist.
11. If the guy showering next to you drops his soap, immediately turn and look at the ceiling while he picks it up.
12. Never offer to put lotion on anyone in the locker room. Likewise, never ask for lotion to be put on you.

Win a date with Gayle!!!