CUTHBERT CUTTING IN?

Looks like Paris Hilton has a new BFF after dropping Britney Spears – or perhaps its because Britney ‘wigged-out’ or something? Anyway, the Hilton heiress has recently been seen out and about with none other than Elisha Cuthbert, star of TV’s ‘24’… although I imagine 24 hours with Paris to be much more taxing.



The spies around Hollywood (and I imagine them to be disguised as palm trees or small dogs in pink jerseys) report that the two blondes had lunch at trendy eatery frequented by celebrities called Toast (and I hope it doesn’t merely serve what its name says). From there, the duo skipped off to Petro Zilla where they spent an hour trying on clothes and left wearing their new purchases (how fashionable!). Luckily they weren’t all tuckered out and toddled off went across the street to Milk where they did some (shock!) more shopping and then headed to Elisha's car and headed home.


Oh, the life of a celebrity, you’ll never know what they’ll do next!

The Paris Phenomenon – Part 1

She truly is a wonder of the post-modern world. Paris Hilton’s fame is a monument to the collective canon of today’s consumer, idolizing, figure exulting public and shows no signs of slowing down. But why? How come the world is fascinated with a rich heiress with no apparent talent except weekly faux pas and ability to make internet fanboys salivate about what’s under her dress?

Believe it or not, we are actually rewarding stupidity and making a the rich richer for it. Paris Hilton is nothing but a marketing tool and she is well aware of it, making her name a brand that seems to guarantee success. Attach it to a single and radios play it and teenagers inevitably buy it (even though it is pedestrian and another lost voice in the already saturated female vocal genre). Link the name Paris Hilton to a TV show and it’s an instant hit. Why? Beats me, since all I can see is 45 minutes of highlighting Paris’ already infamous ignorance on anything outside the shiney pink bubble of her life.

Want her on your talk show? It’ll cost you £250,000, as the comely Charlotte Church found out when she invited Paris to appear on her British talk show. Luckily she had the common sense to say sod off. As you can see Paris Hilton ensures money like a hammer to a porcelain piggy bank and I don’t think anyone really knows why… Perhaps she knows voodoo and has cast a spell on the world. Oh wait… she has.

To be continued…

FROM THE BOOK OF PARIS

We heard Paris Hilton is soon becoming a councilor on The Simple Life. With all her years of experience and insight on life, it’s a no-brainer. Have a look at all the wisdom she’s displayed over the past years…

Who? Oh yeah... he's like your president? I don't know what he looks like.
Paris Hilton (when asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair)

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?
Paris Hilton

When I was a kid I had no idea I lived in a mansion. Then I went to a friend's house and I was like - "Oh.".
Paris Hilton

A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.
Paris Hilton

I don't really think, I just walk.
Paris Hilton

Kabbalah helps you confront your fears. If a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her.
Paris Hilton

What's a soup kitchen?
Paris Hilton

There you have it… pearls.

GOT A LIGHT PARIS?

What do Paris Hilton and a watermelon have in common? They both can’t drive. Yes, the princess of poor reality TV, Paris Hilton was once again yanked off the road by the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department. And although we hear a collective rolling of eyes, it wasn’t booze or drug related. Paris simply forgot to turn on her headlights and the front of her car now matched the lighting effect inside her head. To make matters worse police discovered Paris was driving on a suspended license – naughty, naughty.

A befuddled Paris couldn’t understand why she was pulled over and just wanted to get home to watch the DVDs she had just purchased from the Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood. Sadly the innocent stupidity of the oldest Hilton sister was not working despite explaining she forgot to switch on the lights because the parking lot at the Megastore was brightly lit – yeah whatever. The result: Paris’ car was impounded and a thoughtful chum had to come pick her up. Were the DVDs ever watched? We can only hope for their sake they were.

PARIS GOES CAMP

PARIS GOES CAMP

Former Paris Hilton BFF (or are they pals again… we forget) and Simple Life cohort Nicole Richie was hospitalized recently for dehydration.

Ironically it was on the set of the Simple Life where she and Paris Hilton were working as camp counselors. Camp Councilors? You read right, these two vapid airheads are going to be impregnating the youth with their unique brand of morals.

No Underpants 101? DUI Workshop? The Fundamentals of Weight Loss? Who’s going to take them seriously? It’ll end in this poor camp teaming with oversexed teenagers in dire need of some “counseling”.

Then again, if you’re watching the show, maybe you need some too.

SWEATHOGS - 12 RULES FOR GYM ETIQUETTE

SWEATHOGS - 12 RULES FOR GYM ETIQUETTE

A little flabby after xmas? Feel you need to get into shape? Well the gym is a good start, but like the old USSR, it has some strict, unwritten rules that you should adhere to – or you might wake up in a frozen potato field missing your spine.

1. If you’re going to spot someone doing chest presses, make sure you wear underwear AND that they are clean.
2. Make sure the gym towel you use to wipe the machines is not the same towel you dry your nuts with after a shower.
3. If you’re going to stare at someone’s ass, make sure they have a face to match.
4. Lycra shorts or a speedo will only be tolerated if you’re European or training for the olympics.
5. Don’t work out with your girlfriend – and please don’t wear matching track suits!
6. Don’t wear jeans – what is this, a Bon Jovi concert?
7. Don’t wear ‘pollyshorts’… regardless of what you’ve convinced yourself, they look crap and your boys will pop out at some point.
8. The bathrooms are not some sort of nudist nightclub – dancing or prancing will not be tolerated.
9. Never let your balls touch anything – the sink, the bench, another gym patron… nothing!
10. If you drop your soap in the shower…bend at the knees, not at the waist.
11. If the guy showering next to you drops his soap, immediately turn and look at the ceiling while he picks it up.
12. Never offer to put lotion on anyone in the locker room. Likewise, never ask for lotion to be put on you.

Win a date with Gayle!!!

KA-CHING! - They’re rich. They’re successful. They’re not even real!

KA-CHING!

They’re rich. They’re successful. They’re not even real!

Enter the world of the fantastically rich and have a peek at the Top 10 Richest Fictional Characters…

Bill Gates. Tiger Woods. Tom Cruise. Walmart. Those are all names we associate with wealth and success. We’re fascinated with the wealthy and will hang on their every word and follow their advice to the letter in hopes of achieving the same. Know what – they suck! There’s a list of more exciting tycoons and entrepreneurs we could learn things from. Therefore, Incognito* has a look at the Top 10 Richest Fictional Characters…

10. Willy Wonka

Fictional Origin: Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Net Worth: $2.3 billion
Fortune Made: Exploiting the vices of kids and chubbies, i.e. Candy
Base of Operations: Kent, England

The reclusive candy mogul managed to amass his fortune by creating eccentric and fantastic sweet treats that baffle the taste buds as well as the imagination (Three-Course Dinner gum, Everlasting Gobstopper). Perhaps crazy, perhaps a genius Wonka had help by importing illegal and unregistered laborers from Loompaland and paying them only in cocoa beans. The Oompa Loompa’s strong work ethic made sure his sugary products flooded the market raising cholesterol and obesity levels all to stick it to his dentist dad who forbade him candy as a kid.

9. Thurston Howell III

Fictional Origin: TV Show Gilligan’s Island
Net Worth: $5.7 billion
Fortune Made: Ruthless acquisitions through Howell Industries
Base of Operations: Private Island, Pacific Ocean

When the SS Minow got shipwrecked on a deserted island, no one told the Millionaire Thurston Howell III that his fortune is useless to him there. The snooty Howell made his vast fortune in industry using his snide and cutthroat ways to gobble up as much as he could. His past reveals he overcame his youthful image as a playboy bachelor after inheriting privately held Howell Industries. Drunk with power he went on an acquisition binge, snapping up undervalued assets, expanding into plastics, chemicals, concrete. All his wealth and worldly possession counted for zero in the end, because he never did get off that island.

8. Bruce Wayne

Fictional Origin: Detective Comics #27 (1939)
Net Worth: $6.5 billion
Fortune Made: Death of Parents, i.e. Inheritance of a multinational corporation
Base of Operations: Gotham City

Playboy by day, bat by night, Bruce Wayne owes the gruesome murder of his parents to his acquisition of the Wayne fortune. Never having to work a day in his life, old Bruce was born with a silver spoon jammed in the mush. Wayne Enterprises dates back to the 17th Century (then Wayne Shipping, Wayne Chemical and Wayne Manufacturing) and is a front-runner in many fields of technology. Today the Wayne fortune is the envy of Gotham City and the company is does much charity for the crime-ridden city. Wayne leaves the running of his piggy bank to business manager Lucius Fox while he persues his nocturnal activites and helps himself to expensive prototypes. However, rumors continue to swirl over long-time habit of keeping teenage boys as wards.

7. Jed Clampett

Fictional Origin: TV Show Beverly Hillbillies
Net Worth: $6.6 billion
Fortune Made: Luck, i.e. accidentally struck oil while hunting in Bugtussle
Base of Operations: Beverly Hills, Calif.

”Yeehaw, we’s struck oil!” It must have been something like that when the very rural Jed Clampet stumbled across some Texas Tea when out hunting. The result was Clampett Oil, a multinational energy juggernaught that upgraded the whole family to swanky Beverly Hills. Despite the millions, the Clampett clan couldn’t shake their country habits and secured more wealth by growing their own food and making their own soap. Heyuk!

6. Scrooge McDuck

Fictional Origin: Dell Comics Four Color Comics #178 (1947)
Net Worth: $8.2 billion
Fortune Made: Mining Gold
Base of Operations: Duckburg, U.S.A.

The thick-accented miser is the planet’s richest fowl. Credited as a quadzillionare, scrooge made his fortune mining gold when he emigrated from Scotland. Being a duck, Scroog likes his cash fluid and therefore keeps in all in gold form in a massive ‘Money Bin’ overlooking Duckburg. When not counting it, Scrooge it bathing and floundering in the coins like the showoff he is. It’s puzzling why heirs Huey, Dewey and Louie haven’t conspired to get their inheritance early.

5. Charles Montgomery Burns

Fictional Origin: TV Show The Simpsons
Net Worth: $8.4 billion
Fortune Made: Creating mutants, i.e Nuclear Power
Base of Operations: Springfield, U.S.A.

Springfield’s most prominent (and only) 104-year-old, Monty Burns is not only know for stealing Christmas from 1981 –1985, but owning and operating Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Incredibly frail and still stuck in the 20th Century ("Re-vulcanize my tires and fill my autogyro with petroleum distilate, post haste!"), Burns uses his vast fortune to start a religion, have a thousand monkeys work at a thousand typewriters, keep a human chessboard and own the largest television in the free world. When not forgetting homer Simpson’s name, he credits his longevity to Satan.

4. Lex Luthor

Fictional Origin: Action comics #23 (1940)
Net Worth: $10.1 billion
Fortune Made: Criminal Mastermind, but on paper: Defense, Software, Real Estate
Base of Operations: Metropolis

It’s strange that all that money could never buy a decent head of hair, but Lex is more known for his blinding hatred of Superman than financial achievements. LexCorp is baldy’s cash cow and although it originally started as an aerospace engineering firm, it blossomed under his ruthless leadership and became one of the world’s largest defense and software firms. When not designing jetpacks and battle suits to destroy the last son of Krypton and his lush head of hair, Lex uses his fortune to run for President of the USA and explore "extropian" life-extension research. Uses whatever’s left on head wax.

3. Richie Rich

Fictional Origin: Harvey Comics' Little Dot #1 (1953)
Net Worth: $17 billion
Fortune Made: Spoilt Brat, i.e. Inheritance, Conglomerates
Base of Operations: Richville, U.S.A.

Affectionally known as The Poor Little Rich Boy, Rich likes to lord his father’s insurmountable wealth over the underprivileged kids in Richville by paving basketball courts with gold and donating caviar to soup kitchens. Easily spotted in his big, red bow tie Richie seems to have everything his golden little heart desires. It’s not clear where the wealth came from but it raises questions about his "Dollarmatian" dogs he has as pets. Is young Master Richard using his pocket money to experiment with genetic engineering? The chaps at the country club won’t approve!

2. Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks

Fictional Origin: Comic Strip Little Orphan Annie (1924)
Net Worth: $27.3 billion
Fortune Made: Death Merchant, i.e. Munitions and Defense
Base of Operations: New York, N.Y.

The name says it all. “Daddy” is the father of arms dealing, making his fortune through munition sales during World War I. Money did buy him love and a daughter when he adopted Little Orphan Annie, but refused to do something about her hair. Always keen for a fight, Warbucks’ military affiliation continued to WWII where he joined the Allied Forces and became a three-star General. It is assumed he bolstered his fortune by robbing the dead of personal possessions with his 2 bodyguards Punjab and Asp.

1. Santa Claus

Fictional Origin: Folklore
Net Worth: Unknown, estimated at anything over $100 billion
Fortune Made: Sweat shop, i.e Toy Manufacturer
Base of Operations: North Pole

All hail Clause! Santa triumphantly stands at the top of the list with a fortune that finds it self in magic and fear! Santa scores extra moola by having a strong (an immortal) workforce of elves that cower at the very site of their husky, red-faced overlord. Low wages and no dental or healthcare helps Santa keep costs low – plus, he gets a generous paycheck from Coca Cola to pose with their bottle. When not taking a steam Santa cracks the whip to keep his monopoly on the toy market and when December rolls around he breaks those expensive flying reindeer in. He claims to own the North Pole and seems to have unlimited resources to get whatever he want. HO HO HO indeed.